Saturday, December 12, 2009
F.O.S (Freedom Of Speech)
I speak from within. Silenced with disapproving eyes, I whisper words that cannot be said. Reproachful tones dampen my will. My voice project words that I do not mean. Smiles reach my hollowed face. I smiled but not out of pleasure. These words dance around a white aura and I slip my halo on for display.
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Insane
I doubt if a single individual could be found from the whole of mankind to be free from any form of insanity. The only difference is one of degree. A man who sees a gourd and takes it home for his wife is called insane. Because this happens to very few people.
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10:59 PM
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Dear Sarah :)
Without her, I am a wandering ghost, a shell of a person who wants to break free of the monotony of life and live like a child, full of dreams and happiness. I live and breathe and speak, but my life has no meaning, my breathing is shallow, and my words are lost in the noise of the day.
Dedicated to Sarah Rahim :)
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Saturday, September 26, 2009
Put me in a bubble with achromic viscosity
Now please pop the bubble so that i can get out
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Thursday, March 5, 2009
In 4 years time...
[Background music : Soulmate by Natasya Bedingfield]
She was walking along the path in the campus when she saw him. Leaning against a tree a little bit off the path, probably waiting for someone. He wore a classic blue Padini shirt and faded blue jeans. In 4 years, he hadn’t changed much, except for the hairstyle. She decided to walk over and say hello.
“Hey there stranger, it’s been a while,” she said, giving him her brightest smile.
He looked back at her, surprise and slight suspicion in his face. He smiled nevertheless.
“Have we met before?” he asked cautiously.
She couldn’t help herself. Her face fell a little and she fought for composure. “You don’t remember me?” she asked playfully, hoping to hide the disappointment from her voice. She took off her sunglasses and placed it on her head. “Nothing?” she asked with a smile.
“No,” he answered regrettably, after a moment, as if he knew he said the wrong thing. “Am I supposed to?” he grinned sheepishly.
He really did not remember, she realized as she looked into his eyes, those brown pools that she could see whenever she closed her eyes. She wondered, briefly, if it was worth reminding him, revealing herself and opening herself up for the truth and quite possibly more hurt. Where it would get her, she wondered. It was four years later after all. She forced away the disappointment. So much the same and yet, so much changes. He still took her breath away.
“Do I know you?” he asked, intrigued by her silence and the sudden, sad look in her eyes.
Her face nagged at his memory, reminding him of someone a long time ago. But as he tried to capture it, to try to figure out the answer to his question, it only eluded him farther, leaving him grasping at empty space and looking into sad brown eyes.
She smiled softly, not really hearing him. She looked into his eyes and held her breath as she let the memories wash over her. “Maybe you do,” she answered as she let herself remember. She remembered the laughter, and the tears, the jokes, the lessons and the fears. She remembered high school, with all it’s glitz and its glitter, and secrets and trials. For a moment, she was 16 again instead of 20 and the man before her was a friend. She remembered his smiles, the inside jokes and their little game. The feelings that came with the memories came back with such a poignant rush she was almost knocked over.
“Mind giving me a clue then?” he teased when she continued to stare off past him with the same far away look.
His voice brought her back to the present. Slowly focus came back into her eyes and she released the breath she had kept inside. She blinked slowly, as if gathering her bearings. She looked at the smiling and mildly confused face before her and realized that he waited for an answer. She felt for her sunglasses and started to place them over her eyes. “I’m just… someone you…. used to know,” she said wistfully. As she turned to go, she lightly placed her hand on his arm, not knowing if she meant to reassure or as a thanks. The sunglasses covered her eyes now and hid her watery eyes. Behind them she said her silent goodbye. She forced a smile on her face as she slowly stepped back, waving her hand as she talked. “Just a forgotten face from your past,” she said softly to herself. She could tell that he wanted to know, but she wouldn’t be the one to tell him.
“A face perhaps better left unremembered,” she whispered to herself as she stepped back on the path she left behind only moments before.
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Wednesday, January 28, 2009
24.12.08
[Background music : About a Girl by The Academy Is..]
We’re in your apartment, watching the action movie I let you pick out on the couch, eating twisties, and drinking Coke. You know I like having something soft and warm around my body, so you have a blanket out in case I get cold. A fight breaks out in the movie, and I watch the excitement on your face grow with every punch and flip and dodge. It makes me so happy, just like it always has.
“Did you see that!? She is so freaking awesome!!”
I nod in agreement and laugh because I think it’s funny that you still get as excited about these things as you did back in high school. And that you swear just as often. But I really don’t mind because I’m used to it and I’m used to you.
“I’m gonna get another soda—do you want one?” you ask, getting up off the sofa.
I shake my head and watch as you walk into the kitchen wearing your fuzzy bunny slippers. I’m all alone now; I sit and stare at the paused TV screen— a half naked woman is holding a gun to the neck of a man she’s got straddled between her legs. I pull out my phone and look at the time. 11:33 pm. I can’t remember the last time I got to hang out with you so late at night, especially for something that wasn’t a school function.
“Press play!” I hear you yell.
You jump back onto the couch, soda in hand, and flash me the same face-teeth-lips smile I first met in the music before I even knew your name. I push the button and grab the blanket from the arm of the sofa and wrap it around myself. You sip your Coke and I just sit there, not really being anyone in particular.
It’s kind of hard to explain, but I can‘t think about what’s going on around me when I’m with you. I get envious of people who can do that, people who be around you and feel every little moment and instantly write poetry in their head. I can’t do that, even thought I’ve wanted to for years. And I wish I was witty enough to think of pretty, meaningful things to you on the spot. I actually rehearse my sweet little nothings in my sleep, hoping that they’ll actually be something one day.
But this day is different. This day is not a hanging-out-at-the-mall-with-you day. It is not a let-you-copy-my-math-homework day. I am alive and alone with you in your apartment and we are adults and not teenagers and I am sitting on the couch next to you, watching a movie, just to make you feel happy and not alone. Today I can feel the warmth of your body inches away from mine. Today I can hear your breathing. Today I can think and not pretend.
“Do you ever wonder if anything could happen with us anymore?”
You turn and look at me, and I know you don’t like my question. You don’t say anything and I start tearing up because you’re probably angry that I brought this up for the gazillionth time in the last four years and because you’re probably going to give me the same answer as before. But you don’t look upset—you just turn the DVD player off and sit and contemplate. Your eyes look at me with the saddest glaze and I can’t take it anymore.
I lean into you, grab your face, and kiss you for the very first time. And you kiss me back. I wrap my body around yours, almost the same way the lady in the movie was doing. I run my lips over your ears, down your neck, across your collarbone, and for the first time ever, I feel infinite. Your hands hold my waist as I hold your arms as we cross the line we once drew together on our hearts with thick black ink. But then you pull away and I see the frustrated look on your face.
“It’s too much, isn’t it? I pushed it, didn’t I?”
The words tumble out of my mouth too fast to make any sense. I get up, grab my keys, and head for the door. And I really hope you don’t stop me because that’ll mean things are still the same and we are still the same people and we can keep being friends. But you do, and my brain wants to kill my heart for how idiotically stupid it’s being right now.
“I’m sorry. You know I’m bad with these things. But I think I’m okay with it now. Like, really okay," you say.
I want to respond with something pretty and memorable, I can’t say all those things that I had planned out for a moment like this. My hands reach out reflexively and wrap around your waist and I start feeling really bad for putting you in this moment of awkwardness. You grab my face and smile at me.
“And I think it would be awesome if we could go back to the couch and finish watching the movie because this is starting to feel way too chick-flickey for me and I need to man it up by watching some guys blast each other’s brains out.”
I shake my head and grinned. Because you always make it better in the best way ever.
“I'm such a girl,” I said, looking into your eyes.
“Yeah, you are.”
You took my hand and walk me back to the couch like a little girl. We sit and you rest your head on my shoulder. And I really believe it’s really okay.
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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Status : Away
Yes, I'm away.
Going back to the city of Cosa Nostras.
New semester coming up.
New semester coming up.
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Monday, December 22, 2008
Friends with benefits (Chapter 6) - Passing the time
"Are you okay?"
Naqi’s face was so close to Hana’s when he asked that question. It’s as if he’s examining something bizarre up close. From Hana’s point of view, Naqi had this puzzled look that was dangerously cute. Maybe it was cause of the fact that his face was only 30 centimeters apart from hers. It took her a couple of seconds to snap back from his alluring eyes.
"Huh? Say what?" Hana snapped.
"We’ve been walking in this mall for 15 minutes and you haven’t spoke a word."
"Owh. Sorry. My mind was elsewhere."
"Do you need to be somewhere else right now? I’m sorry if I ruin your plan or some sort by asking you to hang out today." There’s a worried tone in his voice.
"No no. It’s not that. I was just thinking…"
"About what?"
(About you, dammit!, she thought to herself)
"It’s okay. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Wanna grab some ice cream?" His thumb was pointing at the Baskin Robbins behind them.
"Sure." Smiling.
They sat at a table opposite of the cash register while waiting for his 'chocolate chip cookie dough' and her 'very berry strawberry'. Naqi was sitting in front of her. It was almost like they were on a date. She couldn’t be more happier right now. But she still need to redeem herself bout the 'what if' talk.
"About the other day."
"What about it?" Naqi said calmly, smiling.
"I wanna apologize. I don’t know what got into me." Staring down at her black and white converse. Lying seems so easy.
"There’s no need for apologies you know. It was just a game."
"I just thought that you might take it the wrong way."
"I’m not twelve okay. Let‘s just forget about it, kay?" Still smiling.
"Okay…"
Here comes the moment of awkwardness. The 30 seconds of silence.
"So… does Syahira knows that we’re hanging out right now?" Naqi asked alas breaking the seconds of silence.
"She wasn’t at home when I went out. Wait… you mean you didn’t tell her that we’re going out together?"
"Do I have to tell her everything that I do in my life?"
"But she’s your girlfriend." she said softly.
Naqi paused for awhile. His face expressed that he’s puzzled. Then he smiled faintly.
"So Ira told you, eh? You‘re the first to know then. I don‘t think she told Tania yet. That girl was bugging me all day long with the couple thingy."
"Don’t change the subject. You two ARE together, right?" Hana asked, her face showed how innocently confused she was.
"We’re not an item."
"What does that means? Don‘t you love my sister?"
"Love is a strong word. I’m just passing the time." Naqi wasn't looking at her when he spoke those words. He had his eyes on the ice-cream counter.
"Then why did you asked her to be your girlfriend?"
"She needs something to hold on to. She needs someone to turn to when everything seems to be falling apart."
"Sounds like false hope."
"I like to call it compassion." Naqi was smiling.
"Charming."
"Look, I‘m here to take care of her fragile heart. To mend it when someone hurts it. To pick up the pieces when someone shatters it. I'm providing her a safety net... That's my only reason of being with her. It's a win-win situation. Don't ask what i'm winning coz i won't tell you. Moving on."
"You know, you have to tell her sooner or later."
"Tell her what exactly?" he puzzles.
"About your real feelings, silly."
"It's no secret. She knows."
"Then why didn't you tell her bout right now? If it's not a secret that she knows how you really feels towards her, it wouldn't matter much if she knows that we're hanging out, right?"
"Coz i don't feel like telling her." Naqi had a grin on his face.
In a situation where she should feel sorry for her sister and at the same time be pissed with what she just heard, Hana is actually feeling a slight cheer inside her.
"I never thought you cared that much bout her. I mean, you used to hate her, don't you?" Naqi asked.
"I STILL hate her. That's not going to change"
"Then... what's with the questions?"
"Rafael...." Hana looked stunned.
"Huh?"
"Rafael!" Hana repeated herself.
"What does he has to do with you asking these things?"
"No silly. It's Rafael. He's here at the mall. Raf! Over here!" Hana was holding her hand up in the air, waving softly at someone behind Naqi. Her face expressed joy and happiness.
Naqi turned his back to the people passing by to have a look. It took him awhile to spot the dude wearing a blue shirt,faded jeans and white adidas sneakers. His hands were in his pockets.
Rafael was walking towards them, smiling.
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Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friends with benefits (Chapter 5) - Laundromat talk
[Background music : Telescope eyes by Eisley]
"So. Are you guys together?"
Naqi glanced up at Tania in irritation as he tossed another towel into the washer.
"First Hana, now you. What’s wrong with the two of you? Haven't we had this conversation already? " He snapped.
"Yes, and you've yet to give me a straight answer." Tania replied evenly.
The laundromat where the two friends work on the weekends was still and silent. Rain pattered against the dirty windows, each droplet stained gold by the streetlights outside. Naqi had the strangest sensation that he and Tania were the only two people left in the city. It was a feeling that he usually enjoyed.
However, the current conversation topic, and Tania’s refusal to drop the subject were giving them second thoughts.
"Well? Naqi, are you or are you not Ira’s boyfriend?"
Naqi sighed, flipping a pair of boxers into the dangerously full machine. Something inside him snapped, and he found himself answering his friend.
"We don't call it that." He said quietly.
"Excuse me?"
"We don't call it that...we're not like that."
"So there is a 'we'. I suspected as much." Tania said wisely.
"You’re her best friend. Why don‘t you just ask her yourself?"
"Because I wanted you to say it."
There was a short silence, as each of them rooted through their respective duffel bag, lobbing dirty clothes and towels into washer machines. Then Tania glanced over.
"So." Tania broke the silence.
"So what?"
"So...details, my friend, details."
Chewing his lip, Naqi cast about his mind for a scrap of memory to share, something that wasn't too personal, something that could encompass his relationship with Ira without transforming it into something cheap and common.
To buy himself time, he asked Tania, "What sort of details?"
"Oh, I don't know... what it's like, being with her."
From the way Tania’s voice slid over the words 'being' with her, Naqi knew she wasn't talking about the way Ira's voice sounded when she was happy, when you could hear the smile in her voice. Or the way her eyes sparkled when she looked at him from the other side of a crowded room, or the way she'd unconsciously lick her lips just before kissing him.
"It's...it's amazing. She's perfect."
"Dude, that's the most pathetic description of Ira I've ever heard. Come on, be a good lad and share some details. I‘m her best friend. Tell me something I don‘t know. Tell me something that only you see."
"Fine. She's shy, you know. I don’t believe that I'm her first or some such. But when you're kissing her, when you're laying with her, it's like...it's like time stops, and all you see is her, all you know is her, and the way her lips feel on yours, the way her hands feel on your body, or the way she moves against you...Tania, it's just...impossible to describe. It just is."
Tania was quiet for a moment.
"So are you guys exclusive?"
Naqi looked down at this now empty duffel bag, then stalked over to two washer machines,
and began dumping detergent into them.
"I'll take that as a no." Tania said softly.
"Tania, she said she hates how people treat their significant others, and she said that she thinks she'd be an awful girlfriend, and she said she'd feel claustrophobic and smothered after a single week, and she'd rather be free to make her own decisions, and do what she wants."
Tania said nothing for a moment, measuring out a precise amount of detergent before closing the lid on the washer and switching it on. Naqi was struck by the rugged beauty of Tania's hands. Smudged with paint, fingernails bitten to the quick, they shouldn't have been so attractive, but they were. Naqi supposed it was his attraction to flawed things speaking, but he thought that Tania's hands were beautiful, in their own right.
"I'm sorry, Naqi."
"For what? I'm content."
"You're not. You're in love with her. And she's seeing other boys, and getting off with other boys, and it's killing you."
Naqi gaped at his friend for a moment. Then he sighed. Strangely, there was a grin on his face.
"To be honest, I already know." Grinning.
"To be honest, I know you do. That’s why I’ve been bombing you with these questions. Ira was right.” There was a disgruntled look on her face.
"About what?”
"You’re weird”
"It's what makes us unique. Our mojo,” Smiling.
"And yours is by being weird? Haha. Why are you doing this? You already know how she is."
"Obviously you don‘t know a certain part of me," smiling.
"Tell me then, about this part of you that I don't know."
"Maybe later.” He said while signing out the employee's time book.
"Where are you going? We still have a 4 hours of boring labor."
"I told Mr Chua that I'm taking a half day off today." "
Why?"
"Meeting a friend at the mall."
He smiled, and pressed his back against the door and left the laundromat.
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Friday, December 19, 2008
Friends with benefits (Chapter 4) - The call and the sms
[Background music : Lucky by Jason Mraz feat Colbie Caillat]
As she sat in her room, Hana leaned against the wall, surrounded by the blankets of her bed and held on tight to her handphone. Rafael was on the other line.
"I'm fine, Raf. I'm sorry I didn't pick up earlier before. I accidentally left my phone at home. I went out with my friend", Hana said calmly, smiling.
"Wow, you have friends?", Rafael replied with a fake gasp, along with his usual charming laughter.
"More than you'll ever have", giggling.
"Haha. Glad to hear that you're finally having fun"
"I'm not that lame okayy."
"I beg to differ", laughing.
"Shut up..."
"Okay".
Then there was a moment of silence between them.
"Very funny Raf", Hana said with a frown.
Rafael was still on mute.
"QUIT IT RAF!!"
"Woa. Okay okay. Sorry...", Rafael's voice was so timid.
Hana's eyes was fixed at the other end of her bed. There was a sobbing coming from her end of the line. She can't hold it anymore. She wants to cry, but she can't. She's wishing that Rafael is sitting at the other end of her bed right now. She's wishing he's here. She wants a shoulder to cry on. Rafael has always been there for her; to wipe away her tears, to tell her that everything is going to be okay and to make her smile again whenever she's feeling down and empty. Yeah, he's always there for her. Countless of times.
"Sorry Raf, I didn't mean to yell at you."
"Hana, I'm going to ask this once again, are you okay?", Rafael's tone has changed. It's not his sarcasm tone anymore.
"I told you, I'm fine", she said softly.
"It's Naqi, isn't it?", Rafael replied confidently.
"What? No it isn't." Now she had stopped sobbing.
"Who are you trying to kid?"
Again, the moment of silence. Hana and Rafael share almost everything together. Almost the same way like Ira and Naqi. Only that she and Rafael weren't in love. Hana wasn't surprised with the fact that Rafael knows about her little crush towards Naqi. On the latter, she was surprised with how he knows that it's about that guy.
"You DO know me" she said with a sigh.
"Yeah, for two years and a half to be exact." Rafael replied with a small giggle.
"I think I just made the stupidest move ever."
"You told him that you like him?"
"What the.. how did you know?!" Hana was both amazed and freaked out with Rafael's ability to read her.
"Two years and a half, remember? Haha. You are so predictable."
"Well.. anyhow. I think that was the dumbest thing ever."
"You think?"
"Now I'm so embarrassed that I can't even bare to look him in the eyes." There was a drowning in her voice. It sounded as if she was about to burst in to tears.
"Hey now... don't be. What's done is done. It's not like you did anything bad or some sort."
"I've just made myself look silly in front of the guy I like. What's not bad about that?"
"Did he gave you a weird look after what you said?'
"Well... no. He just smiled."
"There, maybe he didn't take your words seriously. Words are just words. Maybe he won't take it so seriously. Who knows, right? Come on now, smile. Please?"
She can't help to think that he's right.
"Thanks Raf", Hana sobbed a bit. There was a beautiful smile on her face. If only Rafeal could see it.
"No need for that. By the way, what did he said when you told him that you like him?"
"I thought I was predictable?", giggling.
"Yeah, but the last time I checked, I'm no psychic. So how should I know what he said, you silly girl", chuckles.
"He asked whether if we're still playing 'what if'."
"Huh?Playing what?"
"Hold on. I got an sms"
The silence was slightly broken with the sound of Hana's fingers hitting the keypads.
"Doesn't really matter. What matters is that he just send me an sms!" Hana said delightfully.
"Saying..?"
"Let's hangout this Sunday. OMG! OMG! OMG! He asked me out! OMG! OMG! OMG!" Hana was
jumping frantically on her queen sized bed.
"Great.....(sigh)", Rafael's voice was drowning.
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1:06 PM
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